You probably can impose second-order change from outside by using extreme measures: for example, if one partner is arrested and imprisoned, the relationship dynamics are probably going to be different...
I find the patterns you write regarding the cycle in an abusive relationship
"building tension, abusive incident, reconciliation, calm / honeymoon period: to be quite similar in the harmony-disharmony-repair...and I wonder while physical abuse is always abusive, most couples' disharmony is in the exchange or non-exchange of words, which feels murky on whether or not it is abusive. Is there any guidelines as to what constitutes emotionally/relationally abusive behavior? What is the line that demarcates that vs. a really bad fight?
Great questions, and worth whole essays of their own.
Physical abuse is easier to identify; emotional abuse is absolutely a real thing but harder to pin down. When I am working with a couple who are still together, I tend to avoid using the phrase "emotional abuse" because it doesn't help. It doesn't help them stop doing it, it doesn't help them end the relationship, it just escalates the situation. Instead I talk about specific behaviors: what precipitates those behaviors, whether those behaviors are in keeping with their own value systems, whether they're in keeping with their vision for their relationship, whether they want to stop doing / tolerating those behaviors, and how to make that change.
You probably can impose second-order change from outside by using extreme measures: for example, if one partner is arrested and imprisoned, the relationship dynamics are probably going to be different...
I find the patterns you write regarding the cycle in an abusive relationship
"building tension, abusive incident, reconciliation, calm / honeymoon period: to be quite similar in the harmony-disharmony-repair...and I wonder while physical abuse is always abusive, most couples' disharmony is in the exchange or non-exchange of words, which feels murky on whether or not it is abusive. Is there any guidelines as to what constitutes emotionally/relationally abusive behavior? What is the line that demarcates that vs. a really bad fight?
Great questions, and worth whole essays of their own.
Physical abuse is easier to identify; emotional abuse is absolutely a real thing but harder to pin down. When I am working with a couple who are still together, I tend to avoid using the phrase "emotional abuse" because it doesn't help. It doesn't help them stop doing it, it doesn't help them end the relationship, it just escalates the situation. Instead I talk about specific behaviors: what precipitates those behaviors, whether those behaviors are in keeping with their own value systems, whether they're in keeping with their vision for their relationship, whether they want to stop doing / tolerating those behaviors, and how to make that change.